Monday, December 15, 2014

Collegiate III

As I last discussed before on here, college hasn't been my forte. Going assignment-by-assignment in general education and not really being able to go into my true major, what I payed thousands of dollars in loans to a specialized school for, and end up focusing more on personal projects aforementionedly mentioned before.

In a last ditch effort in very last minute (read, one weekend in October), I looked into seeing if I could get certified for IT skills, do a course, and hopefully make enough to not have to worry about being dependent in a secure way, with practical skills, and use time after to persue projects and own leisures (with the joys of adult responsibility included, of course).

After a rushed search, I found Unitek, the only one that matched the critereon of "reputable school with a course under a year that doesn't require Gen eds is hands on and is fairly reasonable cost". Even after doing a tour, research into certifications and ratings (they only now brought back IT after a decade of being exclusively nursing, so reviews on my particular intent were nonexistent or otherwise would've been dated).

The only issue I would have is the commute.

I live in San Jose, and the school itself is in Fremont. While the furthest I'd be commuting yet, it could be a lot worse, and is feasible on transit (a good two-hour bus ride, but I've done this before many times *cough*Fursuitbowling*cough*). That being said, the hurdles as such were as follows (and became more apparent when I actually tested the route):
  • The area between Fremont and San Jose is the only land section in the Bay Area 'ring' that lacks a frequent rail connection (yet, though BART won't be finished for another four years), and the only public transit option is either Amtrak (too infrequent and costly), or VTA Express 181 from downtown to Fremont's BART, and an AC transit bus passing the school itself (The dwell time between the two does add up).
  • AC transit, compared to VTA, is unreliable and becomes infrequent in middle of the day (and is a different animal compared to the latter). 
  • My class would start at 8am, requiring to be out of the house no later than 6
  • I would be going reverse the peak flow (north from Silicon). Which is great because lack of traffic, but this also includes, so far, a lack of carpool routes in my vicinity to the likes of Unitek (which is nowhere near a city center/office complex and more outskirts strip mall).
So getting there and staying would take a lot of dedication.

All seemed fine and dandy, I scored higher than most on entry tests, and was pretty much ready to go save for the loan. Incidents of miscommunication happened in the mean time, which in turn got me thinking and considering if I really should finalize the loan and bind myself to another $20k obligation, given my past track record...

I have a week to decide, but even now it has me thinking, as I have for months now, about my habits, and my future, what I have planned, and what I am setting myself up to do, given I'd rather focus on my projects; applying what I learn to such in lieu of actual assignments, and thinking I'll just ending up repeating the same.

I have been thinking of just taking a year off studies to focus on Project CanisVulpes , which I know at this rate has the same amount of progress and mention as Fur Affinity getting a UI update. Honestly and embarrasingly.. or not, given current minimal interest as far as I'm aware, this is something I haven't been able to, or as much as I'd like to, work on due to having my mind set to other things, pressure, and worry to avoid biting the hand that feeds me for reasons, and stupid ones in hindsight. This past year I've been admittedly taking classes to maintain some external sense of responsibility that "working on a computer all day on a foundations for a risky art project to justify eventual funding" doesn't give, and have distracted myself due to overthinking and failed time management (because you really can't do both efficiently, and as I've learned the hard way, to my chagrin). Ironically, this is the same thought I had back in July, which nothing came out of, clearly. I kinda wonder if this is me being all bark without bite.

It is this, plus the financial leash, plus the primary reason of me taking the course, that has given me doubts into actually going forward, and as to what to do. I could be practical, and do the 9-months, but it's still a major devotion, and I'd be pushing back everything else I've been trying to work on further... and likewise, on the other hand, the added uncertainty over a project that is now 3 years old, updated sporadically with variable quality, often written at last minute, now based on memories and source over 5 years old with little character development. If anything, this isn't really the best track record to start with, much less trying to be presentable and justify turning this into an animation, and getting backing thereof despite my tireless revising and reworking to fit the animation and motion medium template. Heck, even I feel awkward mentioning this to friends because it is by no means near presentable (the comic itself is nowhere near the intended final product I have in mind, but I digress).

Nevertheless,  explaining this plan to family is a (and honestly weak, personal) challenge (as in, I never have in full) as, frankly, I am currently in no financial condition that is self-supporting should I find myself without a roof over my head, much less in a densely-packed, overpriced metropolitan area of the  San Francisco Bay. Yes, it is a tough challenge... and considering that, in hindsight, I hindered chance to learn self responsibility (and in turn personal freedom) in favor of convenience and comfort, in what may possibly be a time of discovery, where I am still young enough to make a non-life-threatening mistake but still manage to pick another path should something fail, to explore my options without major regret and still set my life out. The clock is ticking though, and I need to figure out what to do, and stick with that, I know... nothing worth having comes easy. I don't wanna merely survive, but live. Follow my nose, my passions beyond the comforting leash, so to speak.

With all of this in mind, the only question that remains, is am I truly willing to drop a costly facade of obedience for sake of convenience and risk leaving these comforts for something I truly desire?

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