It's 4am and this is nonsensical banter of thoughts.
Time is my enemy, or something like that. It's like a creature I've continuously failed to master. I think of the possibility of things to come, the dreams of what I ideally wish something would play out, and ever hoping that they will happen.
It's a good motivator. I mean, when times are tough, I end up slipping away and pondering very hypothetical future scenarios. I'm a big dreamer, I love imagining how things can turn out in the best possible way, as well as the consequences thereof that could arise. I enjoy looking at every possible outcome as a way to see if I can achieve that dream (or continue dreaming because happy folf is lazy and often forgets to turn "dreaming" into "doing"; part of the reason why it takes me so long to actually get a project done is how long I stay brainstorming before I actually make the effort into paper... it ain't perfect enough dammit!).
Naturally the future itself for a brief moment slips into the present before sliding into the past. Moments and opportunities missed, things that could've been done differently, and ever so fond memories that do bring a smile. That, and suddenly you blink your eye and an hour/week/month has passed and you're still in the planning stage.
For the past year or so... I felt different. Much different than last year. Though I guess it's par for the course each year. I mean, we all are different from ourselves every subsequent year. No circle around the sun is the same. And yet, halfway (which I predictably still can't believe), I can sense change coming. Many things that I have found normal in the past and to a point now will, however subtle, no longer apply as a status quo, be relevant let alone around. I have to change with this or otherwise be left stagnant.
The one thing that came to mind with this in mind, couldn't be more prevalent than in my random travels (now becoming "research trips" for Elevations... more on this in a series of future posts). The more I visit places like San Francisco, the more I feel a sense of the past. It's just not the same as it was beforehand; like any of the experiences I enjoyed are fleeting and will never happen again. And no, I'm not talking about the pricing out and gentrification issue in the city as much as I am the very figurative sense of the word. Many of those locales I know are bound to stay, but the experiences and the people I've spent there have become so ingrained personally with that location that I just can't go without picturing them, and the odds of things like that happening again are increasingly slim. What I once imagined that could be a delightful future is now relegated to the past.
Friends I have made at one point or recently are or will be moving on either figuratively or literally (either way most cases outside my control and I can totally understand their motives). This said, so must I too. I can't stay stagnant. I cannot do careless trips up to the city as much as I did in the first year I moved to the Bay. I can't (and really have no longer have as much the care to) prioritize social life with random animal people because it's a furry event. I cannot feign agreement just to be friends with someone who I think is cool but highly disagree with. I need to fine tune my circle, to one I have my life ahead of me, and I need to focus on the future. A vague future, one not as clear as the dreamer in me had three years ago (hell, even me moving period was all because of a dream vs reality).
I do admit though, I am glad for the friends I have met, the true friends that have stuck by me and were there when I needed. The fleeting feeling, though, still remains. It is probably just a weird coincidence, but usually when I do get involved in something or someone is usually with the "fleeting" take place. It's at most a year, at least a month after moving getting into anything/one that they usually either end, close, lose interest, turn to crap, or move away. It kinda makes me give up on making the effort unless I know that the time spent will be worth it.
On the flip side, how will I know things will be worth it if I don't try? Consequently, if I feel it worth the effort, an internal urge arises to want me to spend as much time (coming from someone who highly favors human interaction over text on a screen) with something/someone as much as I can before the aforementioned happens or try to prevent such, conversely causing such.
Not one word of motivation changes things, seldom one line of reassurance from a best friend; this mentality seeps its way back onto me. I guess it's anxiety/abandonment issues? Kinda freaks me out. Hell, I know I'd be creeped out by myself.
On different note, I'm typing this in a solo bedroom. The thought of which I never would've thought would drastically affect me as of late. I used to think I was above settling into a relationship, that I'm better off single and should focus on getting my own life settled before worrying about someone else. But just having someone by my side, someone to wake up to each day and fall asleep to each night. Someone I could constantly talk to and vice versa about anything. The trust of such a connection, that kind ofcompanionship is a very compelling thought that has become ever more compelling as of late.
I have had those who have had made the move on me, to very mixed results of which I will not dwell upon. Likewise, I have had quite a few people I've looked up to and wanted to get to know and be more involved with. In simpler English, I crush heavily on those I respect that I can connect well with, am already friends, and share some sort of appreciation.
That said, having me admit and spit it out has proven neigh impossible because, for one thing... I am a quiet as marf person who kinda expects others to have a hunch if they are affectionate as is and for them to make the call, plus a fear of rejection ruining a friendship altogether however unlikely, and while it is fun to imagine, I can't really see any true committed relationship in the traditional sense. More like something more than best friends, but not quite to the level of the aforementioned? I've been trying to think of a fitting word, and "companion" (I blame Doctor Who) makes the most sense. I can't help but think of those future plans, and places to go without imagining certain people with me and it's honestly freaking me out as this has never happened before. Like I want to, if not my life, spend some significant amount of time with some folks, this probably again calls back to the fleeting mentality, I would assume. But just the thought makes me smile.
Anywho, the sun rises in an hour, and already the slump of which these thoughts brought me in. Odds are likely that hours later I would find a way to better articulate these paragraphs, and/or regret writing them in the first place. I should probably resume work on Elevations soon, probably after coffee and breakfast.
Thanks for taking the time to read this ramble.
Until whenever, Keep the Marfs afloat!