Wednesday, December 30, 2015

CanisVulpes Reflections

So, 2015... Prepare for a wall of text, guys:

I think the public global consensus is well known at this point so I'll focus on a more personal, narcissistic level.

I'm honestly speechless. Like, seriously. January, hell, even April feels so alien to me. So much as changed for me since the middle of the year.

Much of this I discussed in December. In most basic level, and hopefully in the long term, I'm better off. I guess you can say, in hindsight, I actually accomplished more the resolutions that I had set around this time. In review:

Be more sociable, empathetic, stop being so quiet and actually take initiative to talk and speak out thoroughly.
This is still a work in progress.

Improve time management, and organizing. Focus on a task, avoiding 21st century distractions, suffer thru what needs to be done first and bask in leisure later (a lesson I've had to learn the hard way). Perform check lists, utilize calendar for more than leisure.
Achieved with increasing success towards the latter half of the year when events in life and work have prompted me to improve my time management to get more tasks done on time.

Get at least two works of fictions out. Be it infamous Valleydog or Elevations or whatever comes to mind. At the very least focus on that work and not whine about lack of appreciation for something that hasn't even been fleshed out yet.
Valleydog was given the silent mercy kill back in March, but Elevations is just starting its second chapter and is on track to completion. I’ve realized there was far too many flaws in the former to continue on, and essentially had to let go of the past. Unlike Valleydog, I know where Elevations is going from beginning to end, and boy is this a fun story to write!

• Reduce vanity.
Your mileage may vary, but this just sorta happened. I became increasingly selfless in the latter half of the year with the increased self-awareness.

• Save up and begin process for employment and moving out, cut ties with family without being forced to burn bridges. Improve financing.
I am on the way to a Tech career come January and have been learning relevant skills since September. I have developed a reliable income since and, save for moving out, am on the right track. I've also realized how valuable family can be, and while to see myself as independent I shouldn't burn a well-built bridge.

• Be happy, genuine positive outlook and not just derpy.
I’ve become more confused and a lot more derpy since 2014. Things happened. I’ll leave it at that.

Stop relying on twitter as lifeblood; reduce tweet output and focus on more worthwhile work. People don't stop thinking about you if you log off for a bit.
I’ve begun to tweet less towards December. Partly out of necessity, partly because I know what I tweet.

• Be more active (the most generic of resolutions, I know).
I have lost weight (yay for being <200 for first time in years) and I am trying to reach out to more animal folks that I kinda hung out with, just to be more than an acquaintance. Mileage may vary.

• Don't be afraid of input and review. A punch in the face is good for improvement.
One Punch Man premiered and it's awesome.

Long story short, changes. Many things I didn't expect to happen, did. On the practical side I have income and some plan for the future mapped out. On the fun side I now have a fursuit and a comic in the making. I have made friends, and lost a few... and remade them. I dove into anime (which seriously surprised me). I pondered romance only to eventually realize how impractical it'd be in life as it stands. Doors have opening, but are also closing. My imagination soared this year, but also some regrets over certain (or lack of) actions. Overall, it's bittersweet. Life is funny... but I guess this is what growing up feels like. I wanna be a marfy animal all the time!

It should be noted that around this time of 2005 I decided that being a two-legged animal person would be pretty cool. Shortly after, I discovered many other people that agreed and that there these people joined together in annual conventions. One was not too far from my place. That con was Further Confusion.

While I didn't go that time (if you do the math on me, you can pretty much guess why), I did dive head-first into finding out more about these furries and how they interacted. Like Ariel, I wanted to be part of that world. As a result, I aimed to hone my artistic skills and my-then aspiration of being the next Walt Disney (hey, I was young), and begun drawing, taking inspiration from numerous animal sources. Three years and much lurking later, around 2009, I came up with a combination of a fox and a wolf out of pure indecision. I gave it a generic name, Mike Folf, in the hopes of using it as a pen name for other uses later on in my life and with that I took the plunge into the fandom.... and tried to interact with these people in person, thinking my art was good, like a typical online teen would do.

The following year, I finally went to FC... for two hours... trapped by the fursuit parade. While it was a quick visit and I didn't really interact with anyone because newbie, that experience of seeing all of these people, who for the longest time I only knew as a cute animal icon, was enough a catalyst for me to return and dive any further.

To say that the furry fandom had a major influence in this stage of life would be an understatement.

I began to draw more, even if they were, at the time, very sketchy canines. I began a comic with a friend, I took over a comic. I determined where I would go after high school not only on my planned career (arts and animation), environment (can I actually go anywhere without a car? Do I feel comfortable there?), but also where the animals were (historically speaking, the place with computers and a Golden Gate Bridge... the mere fact that this was even a factor in swaying my vote is something I've kept secret for a while because of how stupid it is to base your future, let alone an important stage in adult development, on a fan community... but I was young and I thought I could make an anthro-based animation studio in five years by connecting with furries in what was at the time the mecca).

Come June of 2012, I did it. I did get into an animation college in Sunnyvale, and I also begun to finally interact with furries in person... again diving in head-first (attending as many meets as I can, volunteering for Further Confusion).

So, yeah, be careful what you wish for.

My newfound lack of discipline and wanting to go to every meet so I could gain a foothold in the community caused me to get the boot out of that college within a year. I experienced the good and the bad within the fandom. As I was new at the time, I assumed anyone and everyone could be friends, and ended up witnessing drama as it happened. Thankfully, I gradually fine-tuned that circle to filter those apples out. I became more self aware, worried about what others were saying about me (which in itself motivated me to attend meets and events more out of this fear of backtalk at the expense of my own success).

Last year, 2014, was the plateau, or test, so to speak. Freshly kicked out of the college I once thought I'd succeed in, I tried to take community college courses to get me back in and tried to ditch the fandom. Long story short, I was lazy when it came to disproportionate prereqs so I tried to get into film, or at very least, take courses relevant to making animation and plan to make Valleydog a cartoon by myself. Also at the time, the furry fandom was my sole social circle and would remain so for the rest of the year. Thankfully, I begun to discover who my friends were and held on to those connections when I could.

Theoretically, 2014 was my 'year of furry', in the sense that I was very active in the meets and having attended my first true out-of-state con (sorry, BLFC, you're that weird anomaly) and, well, other things, under the guise of "freelance cartoonist and future Valleydog animator", still holding on to that plan and dream. The fandom no longer felt special but more.... normalized.

This is also when the idea of Elevations began to take form.

Professionally, I was struggling. The courses I took went nowhere. It's like looking performing a musical on the Titanic as it was about to hit the iceberg. I knew this wouldn't last. Through advice of select people, I had to change my career and shift gears; put dream as a hobby. So... what does someone in the Bay Area go to as a surefire career path? Computers, of course!

So begins 2015. I began practicing coding and programming. I lost friends, and figured out who were there for me. I made goals to meet by the end of the year. I honestly didn't know where I'd end up, but somehow, towards the middle of the year, everything changed. I'll leave the details for another time as this post is already long-winded as it is.

I feel like I'm not the same person I was a year ago. I'm definitely not the same person I was three years ago when I first moved down. My perception on things has changed. I'm shifting more away from "doing it all now because it might not be there tomorrow" and more "do now what will benefit you tomorrow". I am honestly grateful for the friends I have made, and those that stuck around for me. While everything around us will change and be unrecognizable tomorrow, may we stick together in even the darkest of storms.

What are my goals for next year? Self improvement; become better than I am today. I want to push my limits, artistically and otherwise, just to see where I may go.

This is by no means a 'leaving the fandom' post despite what the context may bring. I am grateful for having found this fandom, but I don't see (nor desire) having it entirely define who I am. The furry fandom is just one of many facets of my life. Granted, it's one facet that overlaps with a lot of other facets (traveling, creativity, among others). I still see myself as being a part of you animal people in the future... heck, I might even achieve that dream some day.

The one troublesome element I personally have at this point, is a fear of letting go (if you take a look at my submission and journal count, I seldom if ever delete anything for archive purposes). I'm afraid that I am cursed to always get involved in something right before its demise/end/major shift (many TV shows pre-finale, Bay Area exodus, friends with furries just as soon as they leave the fandom, etc).. it honestly has made me distant as I don't wanna get close to anything if it's bound to eventually fade away. I want to cherish as much of the status quo of discovery as much I can... and honestly, my biggest regret is being able unable to notice an opportunity to do so when I see it. Half of what brought me to where I am now either no longer exists as is or is in the process of change.

It honestly shouldn't bother me. In the long run, it's all a trivial part of life.

But enough rambling. To my friends, and you know who you are, I cannot thank you enough.

Here's to 2016!

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